My Dear Pilgrims,
Happy Easter and belated Passover greetings to you all. I’ve had you on my mind, thinking of how I could share my thoughts from this week. My beautiful plans for a faith filled Holy week, didn’t happen. We didn’t all sit down and stream the services as I intended. There were several in my house who complained about my plans. And you know what? It was totally fair. I wasn’t meeting my family where they were, I expected them to meet me where I was. This was unfair and ultimately a disaster. On Good Friday, I let it all go which made the remainder of the weekend much happier. I watched the services I wanted to, my people parachuted in and out and in the end it all worked out just fine.
Last week I wrote about the Thin Space, the narrow space between heaven and earth, today more than ever we are witness to it. Never in our lives have we been able to witness the beauty and love of the Divine in such detail. We have gone from living in a black and white world to seeing in full color. The depth of love stuns our senses, but at the same time we also witness the deepest feelings of loss. As individuals, we have made the commitment to stay home for ourselves, our communities and our loved ones—we are doing the important work.
For many of us these weeks of isolation have confounded us, we continue to go about our lives, as best we can, attempting to maintain consistency in an inconsistent world. We see images and hear stories of unimaginable suffering while many of us remain untouched. Daily, our screens are filled with the heroics of our medical personnel, first responders, the food service, grocery and delivery employees—we are all lost without them. Our eyes brim with tears, seeing images of mass burials and refrigeration trucks holding the bodies of loved ones. And through it all, we receive texts and calls with news of people we love who are unemployed or furloughed.
As a society, we have been hit with an emotional tsunami.
To distract ourselves, we search for tasks that seem normal, that can calm our anxious minds. We have created schedules to order our existence. The lucky among us, are still working. We attend religious services online, we have zoom happy hours, and we go for long walks. While we walk, we hear and see the birds, we smell the flowers that blossom with signs of spring and new life. We are all cooking, dusting off old cookbooks, making complex dishes. These meals were impossible just weeks ago with our work and our calendars filled to the brim with activities. Perhaps you have found the time to read, garden and iron—many have dusted off long idle sewing machines to sew masks. Our lives have developed both a rhythm and a predictability. Even with ongoing work and school zoom meetings, our homes are quieter. Yet, there are also days when we are shocked to find we have watched hours of mindless Netflix.
The interesting reality is, that while our life is slower, we are all becoming more restless… In the future, our children and grandchildren will ask us, “What do you remember?” We will tell them we stayed home for the good of our community.
When they ask, I will tell them:
During the time of COVID-19, I struggled with loving the quiet, while also being restless to move. I felt both the power of the good and struggled with the anxiety of being powerless to prevent loss. There were times when I was filled with terrible anxiety about all of us getting sick and feeling terrible for all the people who lost their jobs. I will never forget that Facetime was the medium our family used to accompany our closest confidants in joy and grief. We welcomed life into the world in a beautiful baby girl of a dear friend, accompanied by profound grief of the loss of an amazing man.
All the while the realities of life swirled outside my door, I was safely surrounded by the three faces I loved most in the world. While many faced losses, our life was joy filled. We wrestled with the reality we couldn’t leave our home to enter a grocery store because of the vulnerability of my immune system. Our home was a safe haven from the virus, and we were vigilant to keep it at bay. We too were trapped in a prison of our making—a prison of safety. When we left our home to walk our neighborhood, we were constantly on guard for social distancing. We played very competitive games—Jeff and I crushed at corn-hole. While in our isolation, we loved more deeply.
Yet in this time, I was ridiculous. I got angry when my Beauties wouldn’t attend online church, clean the bathroom or put dishes in the dishwasher. In a time in which others experienced the most profound loss, I had been provided a precious gift—for us, time stopped. Jeffrey and I shared breakfasts with sleepy grumpy-faced teens that would then magically turn into thought provoking, inquisitive and hilarious dinners. These meals, I would treasure in my soul for a lifetime.
Our lives often felt like the most jarring roller coaster…. you could feel so many emotions all at once it was dizzying.
Sunday marked Easter, the celebration of the Resurrection. In the Gospel reading, Mary and Mary Magdalene go to Jesus’ tomb and realize He isn’t there. They are met by an angel. In scripture, when an angel appears their first words always include some version of, “Be not afraid.” This Gospel was no different. In a moment in which we feel the most unsteady, we are met with the joy of resurrection and the reminder to not be afraid. Two almost conflicting emotions joined in one moment. A true reflection of our times.
In our marriage, Jeff and I have tackled some scary times as a couple and we have been asked, how do we make it work? Our answer is simple, when times are the hardest, we always turn into each other and not away.
This pandemic is far from over, normal isn’t right around the corner. What we do have, is time for reflection on our spiritual journey. Anxiety, fear, and apprehension are normal feelings. They are however not of the Divine. It is critical that in these moments that we acknowledge these feelings and then turn into the Divine. That is our call… because, the Divine offers us the nourishment of hope, joy, trust and love. They are the spiritual banquet that the Divine offers each of us. In these times, find your Thin Space and be present at your own banquet. Embrace the joy in these moments, don’t shy away from them, grab it with both hands, hold them tight. Let these moments be the balm to nourish your soul. Exquisite everyday moments to file away…
Use this time to find your center. When I don’t start my morning in prayer and reflection, I’m just off. Jeff can always tell… What is it for you? Maybe for you it’s a run, making a cup of tea and snuggling with your four-legged family member or just sitting watching the sun stream across your window. Find your connection to the Thin Space. Find that source of love. While this is not a time to do it alone, or a time to shut down, be kind to yourself when you crave short term silence and isolation. That may be your spirit needing to recharge.
Productivity isn’t the goal, tolerating the intolerable with loving grace to ourselves and others is...
I suspect when we return to our busy lives, our relationship with the Divine will have deepened. We will share our love more openly. We won’t take moments for granted. We will hug harder and longer. We will sit with our friends, drink tea and just be...
We will be kinder to ourselves.
At least, I hope so…
Until that time comes, I make one suggestion.
Follow the words of the angels… Be not afraid.
The Divine in me bows and honors the Divine in you.
xo, Kathryn